25 August 2016

Losing It

Author: Emma Rathbone
Series: 1.5 / 5 stars
Verdict: Bury

When I got back we commenced a heavy-breathing make-out session wherein I felt like I was on a swaying rope bridge.

Yeahhhh...  So this story is kind of like that ^

This is Julia Greenfield.  At twenty-six years old, she is still a virgin.  And that is a problem for her.  A BIG problem.  As in, she can't focus or think about anything else.  She even quits her job, packs up, and moves to live with her aunt (that she barely knows) for the summer in hopes of finding some guy she can have sex with.  No joke.

As someone who wasn't allowed to date until she was sixteen, and then didn't date much in the early years of college because hey, turns out engineering was actually a little hard, I went into this novel thinking I would be able to relate with Julia.  Perhaps not completely, but at least some.  I thought I would find her enduring and the praise on the back of the book promised "every single page... contains a line so funny" and that it is a "witty and insightful novel".  To which I now must shout from the rooftop: LIARS, LIARS, PANTS ON FIRE!  It could not have been further from the truth.

Julia Greenfield, it turns out, is annoying.  Reallllllly annoying.  She is the epitome of everything that I dislike about most the women I meet (this is not sexist, I don't believe, as I am a woman myself and, indeed, these things bother me with most people in general, regardless of sex).  She is self centered, she has zero work ethic, she talks like a Valley Girl (actually, all the characters do.  The novel is riddled with horrible, annoying dialogue such as "Yeah" this, and "Yeah" that).  If I had sat down and read this book in one sitting and done a drinking game every time someone said 'yeah' I would have ended up in the hospital with alcohol poisoning before the night was over.

Here are some of the things that really turned me off of Julia - who, by the way, feels like an older version of Blair from Gossip Girl, which is at least a somewhat less frustrating read:

1) She goes snooping through her aunt's stuff!  Her aunt is kind enough to take her in, even though she seems like a recluse/introvert.  And how does Julia show her thanks?  She waits until her aunt goes to work, then goes rummaging through all her drawers in her bedroom.  What a prick.  I would go ape crazy is someone did that in my house.  They'd be on the street that very night.

2) She gets in a car accident because she's too busy paying attention to her goddamn phone.  Are you kidding me?  I was like Bradley Cooper with the book in Silver Linings Playbook at this point in the story.

3) She dumps all her responsibilities and any sense of decency if she thinks she might get lucky.  And then, quite a few times, she ends up leaving with her tail tucked between her legs.  For someone sooooo desperate to have sex, she sure does walk away in the middle of a lot of opportunities in this novel.  Not that I blame her.  I wouldn't have been caught dead with any of these guys.  But I wouldn't have been so desperate in the first place.  Have some self respect, girl!

4) She has no motivation for life in general.  She doesn't know what she wants to do, she floats along through jobs, but she makes no effort to better her situation for herself.

5) And, oh yeah, she isn't funny AT ALL.

Why did I waste my time?  For Losing It was a true waste of time.  Losing It?  More like Losing My Mind Over It.  Ugh.

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